I was sitting on the edge of my cot staring at my hands, still trembling from withdrawal…
I already missed my two closest friends…
Brandon Hernandez who I had to leave behind in TX…
And Jack Daniels who was my constant companion for fifteen years…
It was my second day at the sober living home. It was 7:15 a.m. and I was getting ready to head out to our morning group meeting.
When our van arrived there we’re close to fifty people…
I quickly took a seat in the circle to avoid awkward eye contact and small talk.
I pretended to thumb through the AA book that was placed there.
I looked out and spotted an attractive girl trying to make eye contact with me.
She smiled…
I blushed and quickly looked away…
When the group finally started it was brutal.
We had to go around in a circle and introduce ourselves and when it was my turn, I was barely able to get out my name…
It seemed like the room was closing in on me and everyone was staring at me.
I was out of my depth, feeling inadequate and extremely self-conscious about my appearance.
When the meeting closed, I quickly snuck out to avoid the forced networking and climbed to the very back of the van.
One of the overly cheerful staff reminded us of the afternoon activities and the option of a free gym membership that we could enjoy during our stay.
“Anyone ready to pump some iron?” he said laughingly…
No one responded…
I laughed to myself and thought…
“Yeah right, this 137 pounder is about to set foot in a gym with all those confident California beach bodies…”
“NO WAY!!”
So I went back and hid in my room as usual…
I started thinking about what was going to happen the next day…
Visualizing the experience of sitting in another small group, the walls closing in on me, another attractive girl seeing me so small and skinny…
I said to myself.
“Something’s gotta change!“
The gym seemed like the only solution…
After another agonizing experience at the group, we arrived at the 24-Hour Fitness Super Sport.
It looked like a mini-mall, two-story high building with droves of fit smiling people going in and out for their lunch workout…
When I entered the gigantic workout area and headed to the free weights it felt like everyone was looking at me, so I quickly went to the bench press and added twenty-five pounds to each side to make it look like I knew what was doing.
I did a couple of wobbly reps and on the third rep, I couldn’t lift the bar from my chest.
I was stuck.
A couple of guys had to rush over to get the bar off me…
It was horrible.
I couldn’t even handle ninety-five pounds.
Throughout the rest of the day, I couldn’t shake the embarrassment…
Laying on my cot that night, I thought about the day and how much I had held myself back from experiencing more in my life over the years because of how skinny I felt.
- Dating
- Parties
- Social situations
- Job opportunities
I was sick of living my life like this and the embarrassment I’d just faced was too much to bear…
I decided I was going to put just as much energy into going to the gym as I used to put into drinking.
I said to myself.
“If could get in great shape, maybe I’d start to feel better about myself in my new sobriety.”
This was something I could improve on my own terms.
So, I gave myself one year to get in great shape.
The same goal I had given myself for my sobriety.
One day at a time, as the saying goes in AA.
One little win each day.
So I started to go every day…
The first couple of weeks were rough…
I felt so puny and out of my element…
I would walk through the daunting 24-Hour Fitness mini-mall with my head down, avoiding eye contact.
Fit people were everywhere and tons of workout equipment to choose from.
I stuck to the machines at first avoiding all the mirrors…
But after the first month, I had a nice little routine going…
I was adding more weight to my bench press…
Three sets of 110 pounds doing eight reps each set.
I was getting the hang of it and wasn’t near as sore.
I found myself looking forward to going daily, I was making some headway and I had also been seeing a girl there I was really attracted to.
She was so naturally beautiful.
No make-up.
Blonde hair always pulled back in a high ponytail.
With the warmest smile…
Athletic, usually wearing tank tops and shorts…
We worked out around the same time on the machines exchanging awkward teenage-like glances and smiles…
I’d get excited at just the idea of going to the gym so I could see her again…
But I never spoke to her.
Not once.
I simply knew that I’d never be able to have someone that special.
I just wasn’t the kind of guy she’d want to be with.
You know the guy I’m talking about…
Fun Loving Guy…
Life-of-the-party Guy…
Cool guy.
I used to BE that guy…
But then I got sober.
And that just wasn’t me anymore.
So all I could ever do was just smile at her… and wish.
And then one day she just stopped coming.
I’d never said a word to her and now I’d never see her again.
Then one morning I was talking to Spencer, one of the guys in the group…
He asked me about the gym and what it was like.
“You look bigger and seem more relaxed in the group lately.”
I said,
“It’s not so overwhelming once you get the hang of it.
Plus there are lots of pretty girls…
It’s a win-win!”
Later, that night while I was cooking some dinner, I thought about our conversation…
I was so excited that someone noticed I was putting on more size…
And I couldn’t stop wondering what made me seem more relaxed…
Drinking was always my answer for this, especially in social situations…
But lately, I really hadn’t been thinking about drinking at all.
I was so focused on my goal…
Now here I was cooking myself a healthy dinner…
I could remember a time not too long ago when my dinner consisted of ramen noodles, a 12-pack of Icehouse beer, and a hangover…
I also noticed I had been sleeping a lot better and felt more productive throughout the day…
Every day after the gym I had been scouring the internet for online jobs…
I had also been learning how to build little websites that would rank well in Google with the goal of making some money by recommending and selling other peoples’ products.
I was desperately trying to avoid an office job at all costs because I felt out of my depth and wanted to keep the routine I had going as well.
But the only job that I was qualified for that met that criteria was telemarketer.
I was able to land a gig as an appointment setter, lining up calls for the sales team which gave me the freedom to work wherever I wanted.
Over the next several month’s things continued to gradually improve.
I had the same routine every day, hit my morning group meeting, the gym, then back to the cold calls that afternoon.
Daily, I was thinking about the future me…
Vividly imagining and feeling what I was going to look like hitting my goal….
And by six months I was halfway there.
I had gained nine pounds of muscle and was feeling more confident and comfortable in my skin…
Then one day I had to work earlier than usual and was forced to go to the gym later in the afternoon.
Nothing unusual when I went about my daily workout routine…
It wasn’t until I was leaving that it happened.
She was there…
Right in front of me leaving the gym to head out to the parking lot.
Her hair pulled back into a ponytail…
Gazing into space…
Listening to her earbuds.
Now was my moment…
I walked up behind her and tapped her on the shoulder.
She jumped and then turned around.
She looked surprised to see it was me.
I didn’t want to say some ridiculous line, so I said,
“Hey, do you want to do something sometime?”
And as soon as I said it she blushed.
I didn’t expect that.
Maybe she was nervous about talking to me, too.
“Well what do you want to do?” she asked.
Damn.
I hadn’t thought this far ahead.
“I don’t know … uh … go get something to eat … uh … grab a coffee?”
Now she was getting redder by the second.
This was very unnerving…
I started getting embarrassed for her because I’d put her on the spot.
And the redder she got, the more anxious I got.
Her ears got bright red…
It was brutal.
But then it happened … she gave me her phone number!
And she said, “It’s great meeting you,” with a glowing playful smile.
And then she was gone.
After she left, I felt awesome!
When I got home, I was still feeling great!
In fact, it felt so good that I started getting scared…
This is too good to be true…
She was just being nice to me…
If I call, she won’t return my call…
Hell, she probably won’t even answer her phone…
I should just enjoy my victory and leave it at that.
After several days of this nonsense, I finally decided to pick up the phone and call her…
And she answered…
And we talked … and we talked … for like six hours!
It was like we were in Middle School.
We immediately connected!
It was fun.
It felt free.
It was so nice.
And that Friday, we had our first date…